Trump Declares War on Soggy Sips
In a brave move to tackle the bigger issues President Trump has signed off on an executive order that could (*Cough*) be one of the biggest things this century, the banning of paper straws. Why is this so important you ask? Well according to Trump, these straws have the potential to explode, rendering victims covered in the hot or cold drinks of their choice.
But fear not for the sea creatures, dear readers as Trump has assured us the Sharks will be able to power through the plastic straws and it won’t affect them one bit.
“This is the greatest executive order in history. Believe me. The paper straws—terrible! Weak! Floppy! No one can drink a Diet Coke like this,” Trump declared, brandishing a soggy straw in a gesture reminiscent of King Arthur wielding Excalibur—except less majestic and more drippy.
With conviction as sturdy as a steel straw, Trump added, “I’m saving America’s lips, folks. You deserve better!”
The Inspiration
Rumors have it that Trump’s vendetta against paper straws began during an impromptu McDonald’s run, where a straw failed him during a crucial sip of milkshake. His aides report the catastrophe spurred a week-long investigation into straw integrity. The conclusion? “Paper equals disaster. Plastic equals strength.”
National Reactions
While environmentalists predictably wailed and clutched their reusable tote bags, one faction of Americans rejoiced: the National Association of Plastic Straw Manufacturers. “This is the boost we’ve been waiting for,” said spokeswoman Polly Pro-Plastic.
Meanwhile, Starbucks issued a statement affirming that their strawless lids remain “unaffected by former presidents’ beverage opinions.”
Executive Order or Just Executive Rant?
Critics are already questioning whether this order holds any legal standing or was just part of a particularly intense 3 a.m. social media spree, where the President elect may have consumed too much coffee. Legal scholars have noted that no sitting or former U.S. president can technically legislate straw choice. However, when questioned, Trump, (hiding any signs of coffee induced tremors) merely smirked. “You’ll see. It’s gonna be tremendous.”
A Ban Too Far?
Interestingly, Trump hinted he may also draft another bill: a prohibition on “those tiny wooden coffee stir sticks.” He reportedly finds them both “ineffective” and “an insult to stirrers everywhere.”
Love it or hate it, one thing is clear—if Donald Trump has his way, America will be sipping strong. A kind of strong that can only be brought about by plastic Straws?