Breaking: President Biden Signs Full-Flush Sponsorship Deal with Depend Adult Diapers
Washington, D.C. – In a groundbreaking move that’s making waves in both politics and plumbing, President Joe Biden has inked an unprecedented sponsorship deal with Depend, the nation’s leading adult incontinence brand. In the deal that nobody asked about, but we’re telling you about anyway, includes a hefty financial package, a lifetime supply of “presidential protection,” and exclusive rights to the slogan, “No Crap Left Behind.”
Depend: Cleaning Up Washington, One Pair at a Time
Standing in front of an enormous golden Depends display during a White House press conference, Biden addressed the nation with his trademark humour. “Folks, being president isn’t just a full-time job—it’s a full-load job. And when you’re handling the nation’s messes, you need the right team covering your behind, if you know what I mean.”
He paused for effect, then grinned. “Let’s just say, when the pressure mounts, I’m not running for the hills—I’m just running…in comfort.”
The crowd burst into laughter as Biden held up a commemorative pair of Depends embossed with the presidential seal, quipping, “These bad boys might be the only thing more leakproof than the closed democrat party meetings!”
Critics Call It a Load of You-Know-What
The deal has, predictably, sparked a deluge of criticism. Political opponents have accused Biden of flushing the dignity of the presidency down the proverbial toilet. “This is what happens when you have a president who’s not afraid to sit in his own mess,” snarled one Republican senator, who requested anonymity, presumably to avoid the same kind of ridicule Biden is embracing.
Tucker Carlson took to Fox News to lament the “bowel-erization of America,” claiming, “The White House isn’t supposed to be a Port-a-Potty for corporate interests.”
Meanwhile, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre dismissed critics, stating, “This administration is all about staying ahead of the curve—and the accidents. The president’s partnership with Depends is a reminder that everyone deserves a soft landing, even during the hardest times.”
Slogans That Are Number Two to None
As part of the sponsorship deal, Depends is releasing a limited-edition presidential line with slogans including:
- “Ready to Lead, No Matter the Load”
- “Keeping America Clean, One Movement at a Time”
- “From Commander-in-Chief to Commander-in-Briefs”
- Social Media Is Pooped with Laughter
Twitter exploded with puns, as hashtags like #POTUSPotty and #BidenOnTheThrone began trending. Memes featured Biden sitting triumphantly on a golden toilet, holding a roll of Constitution-themed toilet paper.
One viral post read, “Finally, a president who’s not afraid to tackle the nation’s number two priorities.” Another added, “At least he’s full of it—and he knows how to handle it!”
Late-Night Hosts Let Loose
Comedians couldn’t resist. Jimmy Fallon cracked, “Joe Biden just set a new record: the first president to control both the House and the outhouse.” Stephen Colbert joked, “Forget the Oval Office—Biden’s new favorite room is the Lavatory of Power.”
Even Saturday Night Live got in on the action, with a skit showing Biden proudly delivering the State of the Union from a custom-built recliner/toilet hybrid while declaring, “We the people… need softer cushions.”
Biden Embraces the Crapstorm
Despite the backlash, Biden seemed to revel in the attention. “Look, folks,” he said, wrapping up the press conference. “Life’s full of messy moments—whether it’s politics or Taco Tuesday. The key is staying covered, staying calm, and always having a spare pair.”
As reporters left the event, they were handed complimentary packs of Depends labeled, “Presidential Edition: For When the Nation’s Counting on You… and You’re Counting on a Clean Pair of Pants.”
Whether this deal goes down in history as a bold rebranding moment or just a presidential plop in the bucket, one thing is certain: Biden isn’t just leading the free world—he’s doing it with unparalleled absorbency.