In a move that left economists scratching their heads and late-night comedians rubbing their hands with glee, the Federal Reserve faces Ponzi scheme charges launched by local conspiracy enthusiast and part-time kombucha brewer Ted “Tinfoil” Thompson. Thompson marched into the Federal Reserve’s headquarters today to file an official complaint. His charge? That the United States’ central banking system is nothing more than a glorified Ponzi scheme.
“I’ve cracked the code,” Thompson announced to a bewildered crowd of tourists and pigeons outside the iconic building. “The Federal Reserve takes our money, creates more money out of thin air, and then charges us interest on it. That’s not just a Ponzi scheme; that’s Ponzi with sprinkles!”
Thompson, resplendant in a self-designed T-shirt reading “Audit the Fed,” and an actual tinfoil hat claimed his suspicions began when he noticed his paycheck “vanishing like a ghost” after paying bills. Rest assurred Tim has thoroughly investigatied these claims with a vigorous mix of Googling, YouTube documentaries, Reddit threads, and one particularly enlightening conversation with a street medicinal cannabis farmer named Carl.
Eyewitnesses reported Thompson passionately lecturing security guards outside the supreme court on monetary policy, waving what appeared to be a crumpled graph drawn in crayon.
Federal Reserve Responds
In response, the Federal Reserve issued a brief statement:
“We take all feedback seriously, even that which comes with the colourful commentary that Mr Thomspons submission came with. Our focus remains on fostering a healthy economy and controlling inflation.”
Economists have attempted to clarify that the Federal Reserve’s operations, while complex, are not a Ponzi scheme. “A Ponzi scheme collapses when new money stops coming in,” said Dr. Karen Fineman of NYU. “The Federal Reserve doesn’t need new money — it creates money of out thin air. There’s a big difference.”
Mr Thompsons case
Mr Thompson rebutted the Federal Reserves statement by saying “A ponzi scheme needs new money into the scheme to remain viable, in our case the new money is human labour. In this case, for the only thing keeping the Ponzi scheme that is the United States as a whole going was the ever expanding mathematical equation involving United States citizens and the cheap labour required to keep everything from falling over like a house of cards. Then they use this illusion of a properly functioning economy to borrow more money. Again which we the people pay for. The only thing holding this country up right now is cheap labour from Mexico and India. They get these people in (or let them in through dubious means) with the carrot of the American Dream dangling in front of them.” Mr Thompson continued “Think of it as a massive scale version of an Amway Distributorship. The guys at the bottom can’t really make any money unless they sell a lot of white powder or get other new people working for them.”
Supporters Rally
Despite the backlash, Thompson has garnered a small but passionate group of supporters. Armed with homemade signs like “End the Fed, Save the Bread” and “Bitcoin Is My BFF,” they’ve vowed to occupy the sidewalk outside the Federal Reserve until Thompson’s allegations are taken seriously—or until they run out of granola bars.
“It’s not just about money,” said one supporter, who identified himself as “Ziggy, Master of the Ether.” “It’s about justice, transparency, and free snacks for the people!”
Ted’s Next Move
When asked about his future plans, Thompson revealed he’s considering filing a class-action lawsuit on behalf of “all Americans who’ve ever felt bamboozled by math.”
“The truth is out there,” he said, adjusting his foil hat. “And when I find it, the Federal Reserve better have donuts ready.”
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